Aired October 22, 1990
Reseda Country Club, Reseda, California
UWF Fury Hour episode 4 was the first episode shot at the Universal Wrestling Federation’s second set of TV tapings.
The first set of tapings consisted of three episodes largely used to establish a cast of characters including Cactus Jack, Billy Jack Heynes, and Chief Strongbow.
They also laid the foundations for some ahem must-see feuds such as Steve Williams vs. Paul Orndorff and Dan Spivey vs. B. Brian Blair, the latter of whom did double duty as the company’s merchandise salesman.
This week, Orndorff main events, the Koloffs debut, and we get the funniest Ken Patera match in history.
Let’s get on with it.
Welcome to Fury Hour!
As has long been customary in pro wrestling, UWF Fury Hour kicked off with a shot of the crowd, all lively and excited in anticipation of tonight’s show.
I’m not kidding, either. Half the crowd was so pumped up I can only assume they were sharing in a mass hallucination of being at a much better show.
Either that or they really were that excited about tonight’s main event between former running mates Paul Orndorff and Cowboy Bob Orton.
Before we got to that, we were, of course, welcomed by Herb Abrams.
As usual, Abrams’ broadcast colleague was none other than Bruno Sammartino, a man who had been legendary in the ring but had thus far proved to be one of the single worst commentators in the history of pro wrestling.
As each wrestler’s name was announced, it was accompanied by a shiny new graphic that looked a thousand times better than the “Saved by the Bell” style that was so garishly omnipresent throughout the early 90s and, indeed, throughout the first three shows.
Apart from the gold-on-gold logo, that is.
With all that out of the way, it was onto our opening contest.
Ivan Koloff vs. Stephen DeLeon
“This man is pure evil,” noted Sammartino as Ivan Koloff shuffled to the ring and began whipping the canvas with his chain.
His opponent got the night wasn’t even given the dignity of an on-screen graphic revealing his name, so I had to look it up.
It turns out he was Stephen (Stephan) Deleon, a life-long enhancement talent whose career highlights seem to have been tagging with Louie Spicolli and getting his head shaved by Brutus Beefcake.
Anyway, following the obligatory collar-and-elbow, Koloff took control and began clobbering his opponent around the ring.
Deleon had the opportunity for just one single offensive move – a flying crossbody from the second rope which he immediately screwed up by slipping on the turnbuckle and falling flat on his arse.
As Koloff continued his beatdown, Sammartino put over the Russian’s credentials as a veteran performer and insisted that stars from both the NWA and the WWF were trying to get into the UWF.
At first, I laughed at that idea, but the joke was on me. While trying to figure out Deleon’s name, I stumbled across a tidbit that Rick Rude was rumored to want in thanks to the UWF’s light schedule and Herb’s deep pockets.
Anyway, Koloff continued his merciless beatdown, hurling his foe to the outside and bashing him over the head with a chair before getting back in the ring for a good old fashioned “heel uses the ropes to cheat on an abdominal stretch,” spot the likes of which you just don’t see any more.
Finally, he put poor Stephan out of his misery with the Russian Sickle, ending what was actually a pretty good for a completely one-sided affair.
Sure, the outcome was never in doubt, but Koloff looked impressive in his UWF debut and had the fans jeering loudly for him.
Since that’s pretty much the whole idea behind a squash match, I say job well done.
Your Winner: Ivan Koloff
Post-match, Ivan attacked Deleon with his chain and then issued a warning to his former partner and fellow UWF debutant, Nikita Koloff.
“I don’t care if you’re family. This will happen to you,” insisted Ivan, referring to the best down he’d just delivered in the ring.
Commercial Break
I don’t normally do this, but I want to point out that I’m watching this show with the original commercials from 1990 and I just saw an actual “Has this ever happened to you?” commercial for the first time in my life.
This one was for a stain remover and featured a dude with a huge ink stain on his shirt and a woman who didn’t know how to eat pizza.
It’s dumb, but I didn’t grow up in the US, so I always assumed that was just a bit from Bojack Horseman. So it made me laugh out loud when I saw it.
Anyway, on with the wrasslin’.
The Bounty Hunter (w/ John Tolos) vs. Michael Moore
No, this is not the same Michael Moore who made those documentaries. This is the Michael Moore better known as The Motor City Madman who was once managed by Paul Heyman and who got destroyed by The Skyscrapers back at Starrcade ‘90.
His opponent, The Bounty Hunter has already appeared sans-mask in the first two episodes of Fury Hour under the wonderful name of Spitball Patterson.
With legend John Tolos in his corner, Bounty Hunter made light work of Moore, quickly putting him away with a running powerslam and big ol’ body splash.
Your Winner: The Bounty Hunter
Afterward, Tolos took to the microphone to demand better competition for his man.
“Where are the main guys? Bring on the main guys!” He yelled. “Where are they? Hiding behind their mothers’ apron strings?”
He then tossed an utterly flummoxed Moore out of the ring and off to the next match we went.
Nikita Koloff vs. Ricky Ataki
Match number three saw Nikita Koloff debut to a genuinely enthusiastic response from the crowd at the Reseda Country Club.
He took a few licks from Ricky Ataki but bounced back immediately, picking up the win with the Russian Sickle.
Your Winner: Nikita Koloff
It wasn’t much of a surprise to see Ivan Koloff saunter to ringside after the match was over and beat up his nephew with a chain while Ataki just kind of sat around and watched the whole thing in bewilderment.
Ataki’s reaction was amusing, but on a somewhat more serious note, Koloff vs. Koloff was at least one UWF feud I’d genuinely be interested in seeing more of.
The Rematch of the Decade
After the first of what was sure to be many promotional clips of B. Brian Blair trying to sell us a t-shirt, David Sammartino fumbled his way through a dreadful promo in which he promised to unleash his guts all over the UWF roster.
Eww.
This was followed by a much better promo from future WWF champion Cactus Jack.
Set to face Sammartino in a return bout from their meeting on Episode 1, Jack said nothing about his upcoming match. Instead, he spent the entire time talking about how great the UWF was.
Still, at least it was entertaining.
Both promos were followed by a second merchandise promo, this one featuring Paul Orndorff.
I kid you not, I legitimately yelled “holy sh*t,” when someone other than Blair showed up to start yelling about t-shirts.
I guess the sales figures had shown that putting the Killer Bee on screen every 10 minutes wasn’t the most effective way to move merch.
No Disqualification
Cactus Jack vs. David Sammartino
With the raucous sounds of Guns ‘n’ Roses’ ‘Welcome to the Jungle,” blaring through the speakers, Cactus Jack arrived, finger-guns blazing, for his rematch with Bruno’s kid.
Their previous encounter had been the best thing about Episode 1, so I had moderately high hopes for this rematch and it didn’t disappoint.
Despite being the babyface, David Sammartino was solidly booed by the UWF fans as he made his entrance.
He then spent most of the bout struggling to hold his own against Cactus, finally making a brief but valiant comeback towards the finish.
At that point, he backed Jack into the corner and punished him with the kind of wicked chops that would make even Gunther proud.
Alas, it wasn’t to be.
Cactus returned fire, knocking his opponent out with an International Object and using the ropes for leverage to gain the fall.
No joke, that was really good stuff. By far the best UWF so far, even if that isn’t really saying much.
Your Winner: Cactus Jack
In the commercial break, Hair For Men shilled their product for balding blokes by using before and after pictures that were clearly of two different guys.
Ivan Koloff is a Leader
After the break, Ivan Koloff delivered a barely coherent promo, insisting he was a leader who wouldn’t be told what to do and challenging his nephew, Nikita, to a match.
Offering a retort, a lively Nikita Koloff accepted the challenge for a match which Herb told us would be our ‘feature match’ on next week’s show.
Ken Patera vs.Robbie Allen
This match is one of the most unintentionally hilarious things I’ve ever seen in professional wrestling.
As the match began the announcers immediately pounced on Patera’s Olympic credentials, putting him over as the Great All-American Babyface Hero.
If only the UWF audience saw Big Bad Ken that way.
Instead, they spent the whole match yelling “JAILBIRD” at him, a reference to the time Patera spent two years in prison for throwing a boulder through a McDonalds window.
I’m not making that up, nor is it the funniest part of this story.
The real comedy came from Sammartino and Herb desperately trying everything to cover for ol’ Jailbird.
“Well that’s not very nice!” declared Sammartino.
“That was many years ago and he’s done his time,” Abrams insisted.
Sammartino even went so far as to claim “A fan threw a rock at a window and Patera got the blame for it.”
I’m not doing this justice, but trust me, it was hilarious.
The two went from “he’s a changed man” to “he probably didn’t even do the crime anyway and he’s an innocent man.” in the space of a breath, and the tone of their voices (a curious blend of indignation, horror, and disappointment) was so funny that I missed what happened in the actual match.
So, I watched it again, and it turned out I didn’t miss anything at all.
Interestingly enough, his opponent, Bob “Robbie” Allen only appeared to have wrestled 13 matches in his short pro wrestling career, one of which was a losing effort to The Undertaker.
I tried to figure out what happened to him, and I think, he might have gone into acting under the name Robert Mukes. If that name sounds familiar, he played Rufus Jr Firefly in the awesome House of 1000 Corpses.
Don’t take that as gospel though. Mukes never saw the Facebook message I sent him, and I can’t 100% confirm he’s the same guy who locked up with Ken Pantera on the fourth episode of UWF Fury Hour.
He got beat by Jailbird, obviously.
Your Winner: Ken Patera
Afterward, Big Bad Ken issued a challenge to Billy Jackie Haynes, which meant we would probably be getting more promos from Haynes about how he still loved a little kid.
Captain Lou’s Corner With Ken Patera
Patera wasn’t done yet.
Next, he had a falling out with his former manager, Captain Lou Albano, over their opinion of Bruno Sammartino.
Patera gloated that he was still going strong while his former rival was all washed up and done. Albano, hosting his weekly interview segment “Captain Lou’s Corner,” disagreed, arguing that Bruno was one of the all-time greats who deserved their respect.
And to think, Sammartino had spent the entire previous match defending convicted felon Ken Patera.
I honestly wonder if they filmed this section just to cement Patera as a heel. I mean, if the crowd is going to dump on him anyway…
Moving on, B. Brian Blair then ranted about t-shirts for a bit before Billy Jack Haynes cut a promo.
Rather than addressing Patera’s challenge, he gave a fairly flat and generic speech in which he claimed to have tried “every sport in the world” and proved how tough he was by flashing his teeth, complete with gaps were a few of them were missing.
Then, this guy showed up and I laughed for a solid ten minutes:
“You know who I am. I don’t need an introduction,” said The Viking, who nobody had heard of.
Well, I say nobody, there might have been some folks who knew him, but given that he had only ever wrestled two matches and both of them were in New Zealand, I doubt it.
It turns out this dude in the goofiest-looking Viking helmet you’ve ever seen in your life was none other than the late Tony Halme, better known to WWE fans as Ludwig Borga.
Seriously, look at that ridiculous helmet.
I haven’t even talked about the promo yet.
“I don’t have to tell you how bad I am or how tough I am. When you come to see me wrestle for the UWF, you’ll know where I come from and where I’m going,” he said in a monotone voice that only made this nonsense funnier.
He then paused, his eyes glancing upwards as though trying to remember his next line before finally ending with:
“So be there. I’ll be back.”
It was a cute line, but even with his accent, Tony had none of the gravitas or charisma of the Terminator star and it sounded more like he had to nip to the toilet and would be returning to finish his promo.
Paul Orndorff then tried to flog us some merchandise, and at this point, I’m wondering if he and Blair had a bet going about who could sell the most.
Speaking of Mr. Wonderful, he was in action in our main event.
Cowboy Bob Orton vs. Mr. Wonderful Paul Orndorff
Things began with the greatest entrance in all of pro wrestling:
Paul Orndorff jogged to the ring to the musical stylings of one MC Hammer.
Seriously, the fact that he didn’t take his robe off and yell “U CAN’T TOUCH THIS!” is an absolute travesty.
When he did disrobe, Orndorff revealed that he was wearing red trunks. By coincidence, Cowboy Bob Orton was also wearing red trunks.
Don’t worry, there was no need to be confused. Uncle Herb was here to help us all out:
“Orton’s trunks have Ace written on them,” he explained. “And Mr. Wonderful’s [trunks] have Mr. Wonderful written on them. So at least we can tell the difference between these two.”
Yep. Because otherwise how could we ever possibly tell them apart?
The two barely distinguishable stars locked up and proceeded to deliver an entertaining main event.
The action was basic in the sense of that old-school “less is more” mentality, but Orndorff and Orton were pros and had the crowd eating of their hands.
The fans loved Orndorff, encouraging him on with chants of “WON-DER-FUL! WON-DER-FUL!” while drowning his opponent in a sea of boos.
The two fed on the audience’s energy without ever over-exerting themselves and it made for enjoyable viewing.
However, if the fans were looking to Orndorff to put away that no-good rotten Cowboy once and for all, they’d be disappointed.
Instead, Mr. Wonderful tossed his nemesis to the outside and won by count-out.
The previous three Fury Hour main events had all ended on a double countout so, hey, at least this was different…kinda.
Your Winner: Paul Orndorff
Controversy reared it’s ugly head after the match as Abrams repeatedly insisted that the referee didn’t count all the way to ten, a point confirmed by Orton when he took to the mic to argue the decision.
Ace Cowboy wanted to file a formal complaint but hilariously couldn’t remember how to do so.
“I’m in that place…ohhhhh God, what do you call it?” He cried. “I forget, but I’m going to place a formal complaint with the committee.”
As the show went off the air, Orton ranted at the camera about the terrible injustice he’d been served.
UWF Fury Hour – Episode 4: Final Thoughts
Episode 4 of UWF Fury Hour may have been one of the most hilarious hours of pro wrestling television ever recorded.
Between Herb Abrams and Bruno Sammartino desperately trying -and failing- to control the narrative around Jailbird Ken Patera to that ridiculous Viking promo and Paul Orndorff using MC Hammer as his theme music, I haven’t laughed this much in ages.
On a more serious note, Cactus Jack vs. David Sammartino impressed once again, we had more star power in the company, and the main event did entertain the crowd, even if it did end on yet another count-out.
Until next time, thanks for reading. In the words of legendary UWF Superstar, The Viking:
I’ll be back.
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UWF Fury Hour Review: Episode 3 – 10/15/90
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