PPV REVIEW: WWF SUMMERSLAM 1996

Call me crazy, but going into this match, I actually had, if not exactly high hopes, at least an expectation that this match would be better than most fans would be willing to admit to. 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I think both the Body Donnas and The Godwins were better wrestlers than their goofy gimmicks would have you believe. Give Marty Jannetty a few spots to showcase why he was still a solid in-ring performer, and let champions The Smoking Gunns prove why they were always more entertaining as heels, and you had the makings of a decent match. 

Unfortunately, this was one bout which not only failed to live up to its potential, but served to give everybody who wrote this one off before it even got started the chance to utter a very smug “I told you so.”

For the most part, this was simply a match between The Smoking Gunns and The Godwins, with Skip, Zip, Leif Cassidy (Al Snow) and Jannetty all putting brief cameo appearances before being eliminated. 

Whilst this did give us a few all-too-fleeting moments of entertainment, it mostly made for a dull, sloppy, and horrible match in which the only thing worth watching was Sunny.

Finally putting us all out of our misery, Phineas looked to have the win over Billy Gunn, only for Sunny to make the necessary distraction before Bart could attack, drape his fallen partner’s arm over a groggy pig farmer, and steal a win for his team.

Your Winners and STILL WWF Tag Team Champions: The Smoking Gunns 

After loitering on the outside for what felt like forever (presumably waiting for The Godwins to leave), Sunny led her boys back into the ring and invited all the girls in the audience to “take a look at what real men are supposed to look like.”

Somewhere in Robbinsdale, Minnesota, Rick Rude was no doubt gearing up to file a copyright infringement lawsuit.

Not that anybody would have been paying attention. All eyes were squarely fixed on the former Body Donna as she lambasted the women in the audience for being out of shape before revealing a giant picture of herself as her “gift” to the Cleveland faithful.

This, apparently, was just one step in Sunny’s huge push as one of the company’s top stars that year. Looking back, I’m still all in favour of it, though that may have more to do with the fact that, as a perpetually horny 12 year old kid (as I was when Summerslam 1996 was originally broadcast), I was absolutely besotted with Sunny.

Truth be told, I still have a thing for her to this day.

Looking Back at Summerslam Week 

Thankfully, your writer was given a much-needed chance to go take a cold shower and calm down from the Sunny thing, as Vince McMahon introduced us to a video package showing us some of the activities that went down in Cleveland as part of a Summerslam promo / community outreach programme.

This included a bizarre “race” between The Godwins and The Smoking Gunns, the latter riding a horse and carriage to the arena and the former taking the train.

This was supposed to determine which was faster – a train, or a horse and carriage. If you seriously need me to tell you who won that one, you’re as stupid as this whole idea was.

Elsewhere, we also saw Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler failing to get members of the Cleveland Indians to show him how to throw a spitball, The Undertaker and Paul Bearer apparently giving a way a whole funeral package in some sort of morbid prize draw, The Godwins signing autographs, and a whole bunch of superstars painting over some graffiti with a bunch of little kids.

Doc Hendrix Interviews Sid 

The British Bulldog  vs. Sycho Sid 

Once again, Sid was over as hell with the live audience, working the Cleveland crowd into a frenzy before stepping into the ring to face Davey Boy Smith. 

Unfortunately for the big man, his popularity was of little used to him as the Bulldog took control in the early going and dominated the bulk of this fairly average match. 

As the man from Wigan, Greater Manchester took systematically worked over his rival, Clarence Mason returned to ringside, just as he had done in the earlier Owen / Savio match. 

Sadly, this was to be Dave Boy’s undoing. Just as he hit his patented power slam, Jim Cornette rushed to ringside, apparently to ask Mason just what the hell he thought he was doing. This was enough to distract the Bulldog, preventing him from making the pinfall that would have no doubt guaranteed him a victory. 

The distraction gave Sid time enough to recover, and when Davey Boy did return, setting up for a second powerslam, Sid slipped out of harm’s way, drilled his opponent with a chokeslam and powerbomb, and picked up the victory, putting this so-so match to bed once and for all.

Your Winner: Sycho Sid 

Prior to our next match, we were shown a short commercial in which two aliens visited a teenager who was watching WWF. The clip seemed to suggest that watching pro wrestling made you irresistible to smoking hot girls.

Having been a fan for 25 years, I can categorically state this absolutely not true. 

Then again, maybe that’s just me. 

Naturally, that had outraged Sable’s husband, Wildman Marc Mero, and gave us a match tonight. 

Before we got there however, Mero gave a rather drab interview to Todd Pettingill in which he claimed that, whilst he didn’t understand mind games, he did understand how to beat Goldust up, and would do so in their upcoming contest.

Despite having a solid story behind it, despite Marc Mero’s recent excellent form in pay per view matches against Stone Cold Steve Austin and Hunter Hearst Helmsley, and despite Goldust being no slouch in the ring either, the two just couldn’t put together an entertaining match here. 

Rather the two engaged in a long, dull bout that not only sent the live audience to sleep but almost made your writer give up on the whole idea of following Summerslam 1996 to the end. 

Seriously, it was painfully boring, so much so that even the commentary team gave up on it at one point and began telling us about Ahmed Johnson‘s injury instead. 

It was also stupid too. 

At one point, Goldust was dominating Mero with -of all things- a Chinlock of Doom. It was at that point that Mankind raced to the ring to terrify Sable. The referees came out and sent Mankind packing, all of which went unnoticed by Mero. 

Honestly, would it not have made more sense to Mankind come down when Mero was winning, therefore distracting him so that Goldust could get the upperhand again? Isn’t that what heels do?

Apparently not in this scenario it isn’t. 

To make matters worse, Mero debuted his new shooting star press finisher (dubbed ‘The Wild Thing’) only for Goldust to make a complete mockery of it by kicking out, hitting the Curtain Call, and winning this dreadful, dreadful match.

Your Winner: Goldust 

Afterwards, Goldust attempted to smooch with Sable, only for Marc Mero to recover and send his nemesis packing.

About five people gave a damn.

Intercontinental Championship Tournament Announced

Up next, we reminded that Ahmed Johnson had been put on the shelf with severe kidney bleeding (or something to that effect) after being attacked by Faarooq Asaad (Ron Simmons in a ridiculous Roman gladiator gimmick).

This meant that not only would Ahmed have to forefeit the Intercontinental Championship, but that he would also have to give up his WWF title shot against Shawn Michaels that he won in a recent Raw Invitational Battle Royal.

What would happen next -according to WWF President Gorilla Monsoon – is that we would have a tournament for the IC title, whilst the last four men who were in the ring before Ahmed won the battle royal would go at it again in a “Sudden Death” battle royal.

The winner of that (it was Goldust btw) would go on to face Michaels on a special Raw episode called Raw Championship Friday.

The announcement ended with a shot of Ahmed Johnson holding the Intercontinental Championship belt upside down, before cutting back to an interview in which he promised to ignore doctors orders and do whatever he wanted to ignore the fans.

Sunny and Farooq Want the Intercontinental Championship 

Just to complete this hodge-podge of ideas, they gave the African Arabic Roman American Gladiator a manager in the form of Sunny, who at the time was doing her sexy cowgirl thing with the Smoking Gunns. 

All that aside, the two did put together quite the impressive heel act as they joined Todd Pettingill in the centre of the ring for a live interview. 

I say ‘interview,’ Farooq essentially told Todd to can it before insisting that he should be the Intercontinental Champ by virtue of beating up Ahmed Johnson.

Sunny then claimed that it didn’t matter, Farooq would win the upcoming tournament and become the next champion because what Sunny wants, Sunny gets.

Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler vs. Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts

Your Winner: Jerry Lawler

“That wasn’t an athletic contest we just witnessed,” said Jim Ross as Henry helped Roberts to the back.

No shit, JR. No shit.

Meanwhile..somewhere in the crowd, Bob Backlund continued to campaign for his presidential run.

Time for the Boiler Room Bra 

No, that’s not a typo. Remember at Wrestlemania 12’s Hollywood Backlot Brawl when Vince McMahon continually referred to it as a Hollywood Backlot Bra? 

He did the same thing here, introducing a Pettingill-narrated video package for our next match as being about “The Boiler Room Bra”. 

As Paul Bearer made his way to the ring with The Urn in tow, McMahon even referenced the Hollywood Backlot Bra. 

Honeslety, I’m crying with laughter here. 

Imagine also then, how pleasantly surprised I was to find that -on a second viewing some 21 years later- the Undertaker vs. Mankind Boiler Room Brawl was far better than I ever remembered it. 

Sure, this wasn’t an instant wrestling classic, but then it was never intended to be. 

What it was, was a captivating piece of storytelling which achieved the one thing I believe all pro wrestling should be constantly trying to achieve: 

Suspension of disbelief. 

OK, so the action was mostly Undertaker and Mankind throwing each other into things and whacking each other with pipes and bits of wood, but there were times when your writer couldn’t help but flinch, wince, and double over as though feeling how much this “fake” stuff must have really hurt. 

And when Mankind was thrown from the top of a ladder by Undertaker and splatted -kidneys first- onto the cold, unforgiving concrete? That was a true holy shit moment in every sense of the word. 

Having seen the direction that pro wrestling / sports entertainment would take in the years that followed this match, the move may not appear to be all that special to some, but it’s worth noting that nothing like this had ever really been seen on WWF telivision before. 

What we were watching here was a first. It was different, it was groundbreaking, and it was truly engaging. 

Helping matters was the fact that commentators barely spoke a word, as if even they were stunned into silence by what they were witnessing. Only the occasional “ohh” from Vince McMahon or a sombre “amazing,” from JR reminded us that they were even there. 

A personal highlight for this fan came when the two made it out of the boiler room and brawled through the backstage area, with the likes of The Godwins and the Body Donnas shown rooting for the Dead Man whilst Steve Austin and Bradshaw came out of the same locker room to cheer for Mankind.

Eventually, the two brawled to the ring, where Foley took a sick bump from the apron to the exposed concrete, allowing Undertaker to climb into the ring, kneel before his long time manager Paul Bearer, and reach out to collect the urn.

Gaining possession of the urn, you see, was the only way to win this match. Yet just when it looked like the whole thing was over, Bearer refused to hand it over.

Instead, he walked into the corner and cackled fiendishly whilst Mankind returned and slapped on the mandible claw.

Again, Undertaker went for the urn, again, Bearer refused, this time cracking his now former charge over the skull with it to cement his heel turn.

All it took then, was for Bearer to hand over the urn, establish an alliance with the deranged Mankind, and give us the very first plot point in the story that would eventually lead – 14 months down the line – to the debut of The Undertaker’s brother, Kane.
Your Winner: Mankind

Afterwards, masked druids (which were actually members of the roster in big, black, hooded cloaks) carried The Undertaker to the back to the sound of Gorean chanting. McMahon and JR sold the whole thing like Bearer had literally just murdered the man he’d managed for six years.

Jim Cornette Promises a Victory for Vader

World Wrestling Federation ChampionshipWWF Champion Shawn Michaels (w/ Jose Lothario) vs. Vader (w/ Jim Cornette)

As the two combatants made their way to the ring, our commentary team sold the defending champion Shawn Michaels as a complete underdog who seemingly had no chance of leaving Cleveland with his title.

For the majority of this truly enthralling bout, that certainly seemed to be the case.

Vader demolished HBK from pillar to post. He battered him inside the ring, he battered him outside the ring, and whilst the champ did get a few shots in (an impressive suicide dive among them), it was the challenger who dominated more or less from start to finish.

Don’t mistake this for a squash of any kind however.

What we got here was a brilliant main event which made Vader look like a true monster (or as Jim Ross called him – “A Manster – half man, half monster” ) whilst eliciting a groundswell of sympathy for the babyface champion.

The Mastodon even technically beat the Heartbreak Kid not once, but twice. The first time came as a result of a countout, whilst the second saw Michaels disqualified for whipping the piss out of both Cornette and Vader with Cornette’s tennis racket.

Each time however, James E. challenged Michaels to continue the match. Michaels accepted, and looked to lose his title to a Vader Bomb, only for Cornette to once again get involved, demanding that the challenger instead use his top rope moonsault to win the match.
Michaels moved, hit a moonsault of his own, and scored what was essentially an upset victory.
Your Winner and Still WWF Champion: Shawn Michaels.

Having survived a brutal assault, Michaels grabbed his title and celebrated, bringing this wholly disappointing show to an end.

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Disappointing is just about the best word for it too. 

At the start of this review, we discussed how WWF Summerslam 1996 had been promoted mainly as a two match show. 

Whilst those two matches definitely delivered, the rest of the card ranged from dull to outright dreadful, a shame really, since bouts like the opening tag match and the Mero/Goldust match had the potential to be quite fun. 

The Boiler Room Brawl (or Bra, if you prefer) and that awesome championship match were enjoyable, but even they were not so good as to warrant sitting through what was probably one of the worst over all pay per views of 1996.

I’ll be back again soon with the In Your House Mind Games review. Until then, thanks for reading, and be sure to join me on Twitter for more Retro Pro Wrestling – @Retropwrestling